What do I wear today?
It started with a pair of joggers this morning – a seemingly small moment that sparked a much
bigger question about 'fitting in'. As I was getting ready for the day and choosing my clothes, a thought popped into my head about a particular pair: "No, those are too big. I can’t wear those".
And then, a little whisper of curiosity: 'Wait... why did I just think that?' After all, I haven’t lost a measurable amount of weight that would make them too big from when I bought them earlier this year. It led me to wonder, why did I assume the larger size was my size? And why did I even keep them when they arrived, and they were a ‘bit too big’ then?
This is a pattern!!
I realized this wasn't the first time I’d done that recently; assuming the larger size was going to fit me when I really should have purchased the size down.
It took me back to my younger years. Clothes were always a puzzle. Everything felt perpetually too
small. I always had to buy the larger size, shop for the larger size. Nothing ever really ‘felt good’, but I settled to fit into what was there for me. I never could buy the feminine clothes because where we shopped for me was the JCPenney, “husky” department (a department for larger children's sizes). Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really overweight, but for most of my life I thought I was. That was my default programming. I wanted to hide.
'EVERYTHING' was always too small for me!!!
Somewhere along the way, a subtle message began to settle in – this idea that to truly 'fit' into
the best of anything, whether it was clothes or opportunities, or even wealth, you
somehow had to "shrink to fit into the best clothes".
But I HAD to shrink to fit in.
This pattern, this idea of settling, wasn't just about fabric and measurements. It played out in
other parts of my life, too. When I was younger and dating, I would settle for the one that I ‘fit into’. I didn’t look for or feel deserving of the right one, the perfect one, or the best one. I simply settled for the one that fit into their size! I didn’t expect them to align with my size; I just settled into their expectations and ‘size’ - which was ultimately the 'size' they thought of themselves!
That inspired some thought. Where else in my life have I not been in the ‘right size’? Where else
have I been trying to fit into something that no longer fits me? Where else have I been trying to be accepted by someone else’s expectation of size, or someone else’s version of enough or too much?
Perhaps you've felt this too. Where have you been trying to fit into someone else’s ideal size? Or
the size that they think fits them? Where have you been shrinkingto fit in?
I love this conversation. Reach out if this resonates with you.